What if we can’t find product market fit?

What if we run out of money?

What if I won’t be able to pay the team’s salaries?

What if I fail?

Do you ever find yourself in those mental loops of doom? Where one “what-if scenario” is followed by another? And then another?

Our brains often feel safe with certainty. And oftentimes, business environments—especially in the world we’re living in today—are full of uncertainty. Without tools to explore uncertainty—we can get caught in a loop of self-critical thinking. And what does self-critical thinking tend to beget? More self-critical thinking. Our minds can become addicted to looping storylines that may not be helpful for us.

This looping is happening—in part—at a neurological level. Every time we make a decision, we fire a neuron down a neural pathway. When we find ourselves in similar circumstances, making the same or similar decisions again and again, that neural pathway becomes a superhighway. The effect of superhighways is that our brains are no longer able to recognize that there’s a choice to be made. These pathways have fired so many times, the movement has become automatic (a reaction). Many of us have had a lot of practice with self-critical thinking—and when we practice something a lot—we can get pretty good at it. This highlights the importance of noticing and engaging our repetitive thoughts. After all, ruminating is not problem solving. And uncertainty is not going away.

What if we started practicing engaging our self-critic in a different way? Maybe even in a way that serves us?

Our relationship with our critic can be complex at first. The critic is not a terrible thing. The critic is not a solely negative entity. It’s trying to make us aware of something. It might even have relevant information for us—just not when it’s playing on loop ad nauseam. What we want to do is mine the information it has; maybe it’s telling us to be more detailed or to check in on a team member. It can have a lot of information, but if “I’m a terrible manager” is what I’m repeating on a loop, that’s not really leveraging the important nugget of the critical thought, which is that I want to set aside time to sit down with my team member and have an intentional conversation about their growth and development.

A fast way to become the observer is to get curious about the critical voice in our heads—an all-too-common voice for many of us. By bringing our awareness to how often our self-critic comes around, we can become aware of its presence—a needed element for future shifts. You might even consider naming it.

For example, I named my Gretchen. I needed it to start with a G because she was still me, only she had a different vibe. I landed on Gretchen. (It’s not that Gretchen is a bad name. I just happened to know a Gretchen who bullied me when I was young, so it felt appropriate.)

I was amazed by the frequency of Gretchen’s presence in my life, the viciousness of her criticisms, and her tireless commitment to bring me down and make me less than. I guess in some way, her tenacity was almost commendable. By naming her Gretchen, I gave myself the ability to observe her—to see when she came around, what settings I was in, who I was with, what I was engaging with, or what I was not engaging with. She was using a silent and deafening megaphone in my ear through self-doubt. From the role of the observer, I could begin to notice and engage with my thoughts rather than be victim to them.

The important part of observing the critic is to create space so that you can choose how to engage it for the information your self-critic has for you. Our critic is an important part of us, and once we understand its role, when we see it coming, we can engage it to understand why it’s here. Is it showing me what’s important? If I have a big presentation coming up, is the critic making me question my value? Making me doubt my abilities? Protecting me from something? Maybe my critic is showing me it’s important to rehearse. Perhaps it’s to throw out the scripted talking points and have fun with the audience. The critic might be bringing my attention to something that I haven’t considered – which makes the relationship with them a worthwhile one to cultivate and understand.

The fastest and easiest way to engage our critical thought is when we’re not the thought itself (which we may feel like we are, if it’s on a loop). Again, it’s like we’re watching a movie of ourselves versus being ourselves. Watching the script play out—our thoughts, emotional reactions, and so on—helps to create space. For instance, in my case, I might say, Hmmm, Guryan’s tone just shifted dramatically and she’s starting to appear to be frustrated. Or if in conversation with someone else, John seems completely distracted and doesn’t appear to be able to hear what I’m saying to him. Both of these examples help to create a pause so that I can connect to what is beneath my building frustration, or, so that I can get curious about what John is going through rather than taking it personally and assuming what I’m saying isn’t important to him.

Turn towards your critic. Engage it. What is it saying to you? What information is it pointing you to?

The Art of ‘Nexting’

When your self-critic comes up—say “next” until you get to a nonjudgmental self-thought. Say this as many times as needed. You don’t have to reach a positive place. It can be neutral. Let’s go back to those questions at the beginning as an example.

What if we can’t find product market fit? Next.

What if we run out of money? Next.

What if I won’t be able to pay the team’s salaries? Next.

What if I fail? Next.

I’d like to leave you with a few other tools for accessing the observer of your critical mind:

• Name your self-critic (mine was Gretchen): Ask yourself, when do they come around? What are their playgrounds?
• Watch the circumstance you find yourself in, as if you’re watching a movie. Narrate the scene. Notice how characters are behaving, including yourself. Visualize a drone above you taking in all the information. Watch the scene play out.

The self-critic is not a terrible thing. It has incredibly valuable information for us if we can understand why it’s coming around. Its presence is an invitation to turn towards it and get curious. Imagine the time we could get back and confidence we could step into with a healthy relationship with our self-critic?